Embarking on a journey to Portland, Oregon, brings a wealth of opportunities for adventure, cultural exploration, and culinary delights. However, even the most well-planned trips can sometimes steer towards less-than-spectacular experiences. Here, we've compiled a list of tips that might just help you fail your Portland vacation - if that's your intention!
After all, every travel mishap is a chance to learn and laugh. So, buckle up as we dive into the quirks and quibbles that might make your Portland visit anything but ordinary.
Blending in with the Locals
Portlanders are known for their unique style, so if you want to stand out like a sore thumb, dress like a tourist. Tuck away your favorite Hawaiian shirt and leave the fanny pack at home. Instead, opt for a casual, earthy look - think flannel, cargo pants, and vintage tees.
Bonus points if you manage to acquire a pair of Columbia hiking shoes and a worn-out REI backpack before your trip. locals will be sure to mistake you for one of their own, as long as you avoid overdoing the man-bun and facial hair - stereotypes have a way of manifesting, after all.
The Art of Ignoring Public Transportation
With an extensive network of MAX Light Rail and buses, Portland's public transportation is the lifeblood of the city. But if you're determined to fail in blending in with the locals, ignore the tram and instead search for parking spots in the Pearl District's narrow streets.
Menthus, don't miss out on the opportunity to toggle your blinker on and off while waiting at the dimer-a-plate red lights. And remember, parallel parking is a lost art, so practice your three-point turn in the mean time.
The Portland Food Cart Fare - A Silent Disaster
Portland's food cart scene is a dime a dozen, with over 600 carts scattered throughout the city. But if you want to avoid the delicious and cheap eats that make Portland famous, stick to chain restaurants and dine-in experiences.
Who needs a juicy lamb burger from Nong's Khao Man Gai or a delectable grilled cheese mastery from Grilled Cheese PIG, right? Ignore the long lines and enticing aromas; that's a sure-fire way to fail in sampling Portland's food cart fare.
Navigating Portland's Green Mayor
The Willamette River is Portland's most iconic landscape, but if you're determined to miss out on its beauty, avoid renting a bike to explore the waterfront. The city's Biketown program makes cycling a breeze, with stations scattered throughout downtown.
Instead, hail a cab and enjoy the traffic - because nothing says " Portland experience" like the sterile indoors of a car, complete with all the exhaust fumes you could ask for.
Sunken Treasure - The Powell's Books Mishap
Portland's bibliophiles pilgrimage to Powell's City of Books - an emporium of literature spanning four city blocks. However, if you're bent on failure, don't bother compassing the labyrinth of new, used, rare, and everything in between.
Simply walk through the entrance, turn left, and beeline towards the Starbucks. You're bound to miss a world of literary delights - not to mention the city's largest independent bookstore - completely.
Coasting Through the Rose City's Art Scene
Portland is home to scores of galleries, museums, and street art masterpieces. However, if you're set on missing out, stick to Instagram and dodge the city's artistic gems.
Ignore the Cohen Gallery's rotating exhibitions, breeze past the Portland Art Museum, and don't even think about setting foot in thestituted Artists' Lofts in the Pearl. Keep your eyes glued to your phone, and you're certain to miss Portland's vibrant art scene.
As you gather your wits and prepare to embark on your Portland adventure, remember: failure is always an option - but only if that's what you're aiming for. With our handy tips, you're armed and ready to turn your vacation south, one misstep at a time. Now, go forth and discover Portland your way! Happy (mis)adventures!